The Order of the Silver Key

Episode O

A Saga Begins (Well, Continues with the next generation actualy)

Previously, on The Order of the Silver Key…

… A lot of genealogy happened. In the interests of time allotment, entertainment considerations, and a simple desire not to be boring, we’ll stick with the highlights rather than giving you folks at home the entire sordid list. After all, this involves Greek deities, and the sheer number and scope of their orgies and the subsequent conceptions make even Lara Ravanni look like a teetotaler.

Speaking of Lara Ravanni… Despite his vow to never be fooled or manipulated again, the newly wise deity Hod of Valhalla simply couldn’t resist the charming machinations of the beautiful and seductive Mana. It was right after Ragnarok, and she was so bereft and vulnerable after the years of long, hard fighting and just needed someone to comfort her for a bit… And it was really hard to say “no” to an insanely beautiful goddess when she was dressed (so to speak) like that…! Yes folks, we know he’s blind, but really, how necessary are eyes when she’s pressing it up against you like that…

So! Nine months later comes Lenneth, a true Norse goddess of incredible beauty and with few peers in the arts of battle. Trained in the arts of combat by both her mother and her uncle Vili-Pelor, her battle skills are impeccable. Already accepted into the ranks of the Valkiries, Lenneth now seeks to earn her place as an equal among the gods as the Goddess of Moonlight. Her hobbies include: swordplay, listening to heavy metal, the horizontal mambo, and playing tag with supersonic fighter jets and their really freaked out pilots.

And speaking of sly seductive, people and returning to our earlier comment about Greeks… we give you: Hades! Sly, debonair, sexy, moody, and lives in a cave! But hey, he’s charming and seductive enough when he wants to be. Enough so to get into the pants/dress/toga/or whatever it is that is the latest winter fashion in Tartarus of his beloved girlfriend Persephone, despite having kidnapped this flower goddess and locking her in a cave away from the sun, rain, and flowers for six months out of the year… But seriously folks, he really does love her, he just needs some…ah…space away from that really ticked off mother-in-law of his…

Anyway, out of this torrid mess arises our next heroin: Desdemona call me “Dessy” the little hellion. Her hobbies include: [Deleted by the Censors], [Deleted by the Censors], and [Deleted by the Censors]. HEY!!! That last one was actually clean you <bleep> <bleep>. Blast it! You <bleeeeeeeeeeeep>!!! ARGH!!!

Moving on…

Going straight to the plain just sly… We come to Mr. Cifer and his…relationship…with Lilith. The two of them [The following section has been deleted at the request of a coalition of multiple beings who feel it is outside all conceivable bounds of decency to put into print the details surrounding the conception and birth of one Lilah Morningstar by the beings know as Mr. Cifer and Lilith. After hearing the testimony of one Howard Stern, who admitted to feeling noxious after hearing the tale, and would not himself be willing to repeat it, the judges were forced to comply with the request and enforce this gag order]

Lilah is your typical rebellious teenage deific lawyer, who just wants to settle down with a nice guy and stick it to her dad, by disrupting as many of his schemes as she can get her own claws into. Unfortunately, this is probably playing right into his hands anyway… but a girl’s gotta try something!!! And really folks, her dad’s not such a bad guy once you get to know him. He doesn’t bite (he has minions for that) and contrary to the rumors, he’s never stolen a single soul. He does buy them though. Good rates, with bonus perks, and one wish thrown in on top. Any one interested should call: [this phone number has been removed pending the resolution of litigation brought by Miss Lilah Morningstar, Attorney at Law, against the sponsoring advertiser, Mr. Cifer.]

And on to our next contestant… Before there was John Wayne, well actually after there was John Wayne, well more like because there was John Wayne, Ben Cartwright, and a host of others… There came into being one Cowboy Bob, who embodied truth, justice, and the American Way. Naturally, the fellow was prime husband material and got himself snatched up by a good wife, and had many wonderful children with her. Fine strapping young lads, and pretty young lasses, who attracted worthy spouses of their own. One of these young fellows was his son Adam Roberts, who married Princess Renette (“Red”) of The Vale. Their son, Jasper, looks to feature heavily in our current tale. He is tall, buff, and handsome. His hobbies include: herding cattle, protecting the land, standing up for the weak, and being respectful of women. Heck, he’s everything a girl could want. (But will Lilah be able to believe it?)

And now, for our final victim – err… I mean heroin (at least at this point…) we give you: Peppermint!! No, not a piece of red and white bangle candy, she’s a Time Lord folks, one of the sole Survivors of the Time Wars. (Yes, we know it’s a paradox to be part of a group of sole survivors, but that is readily explainable by the application of the temporal coefficient to the [the following portion of our program has been cut by the announcer himself as A) He does not desire to bore his audience with overly explained technical details, and B) cannot pronounce two thirds of the words required to continue this explanation.]) Little is known about her people and linage, and like all of the other inhabitants of the planet Gallifrey, she’s not talking. Unlike the rest of our heroes, Peppermint is not a native to the Burl. How, exactly, she got here and her true motives remain unknown. At least for now… Her hobbies include: Being moody and depressed over the destruction of her race and home world, cramming more techno-babble into 30 seconds of dialog than there are in an entire episode of Star Trek, avoiding giving direct answers to questions by spouting out high-level math, and delivering furious rants against the vile, corrupt, manipulative, deceiving, meddlesome, odious, despicable, horrible, no-good Princess Solace of The Rahnian Sphere whom she absolutely HATES!!!.

And now that we have introduced our cast for this upcoming drama which we are presenting to you… ON WITH THE SHOW!!!

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